Posts Tagged ‘simon’s groove’

A Public Service Message from the Republican Party

September 17th, 2010

Oklahoma: Land of the Non-Secular Aluminum Siding Salesman

August 3rd, 2010

This speaks for itself. Oh my.

Simon Says

July 18th, 2010

  • Hot dogs: any combination of mustard, relish, onions, chili and cheese. Never ketchup or avocado or any other cute bullshit.
  • If you sign up for a website that publishes your attempts at fiction, you cannot post a new first draft every five fucking minutes and expect me to ooh and ahh over it like you’re bloody Shakespeare.
  • Learn to spell or use your damn spell check while you’re at it.
  • Hey, if there’s a red light 500 yards ahead, why the hell are you racing to get ahead of me only to stop at the freaking light? You know what kind of gas mileage you get at a stoplight? ZERO.
  • If you drive a Hummer, massive pickup or some other large vehicle and you are not in the infantry, a farmer, a landscaper or someone who otherwise requires a large “fuck you” vehicle: I say you deserve to pay a big tax–and not just at the gas pump. You get a dumb-ass tax, to be exact. And everyone else gets the right to give you the finger.
  • If you watch “professional wrestling” don’t whine to me that your kids are ill-behaved, poorly-read and prone to broken bones.
  • If you vote Republican and make less than $500,000 per year, you’re a dumb ass. Why? Because they don’t give a shit about you unless you have money. And if you vote Republican because you think they are morally superior then you have been fully hoodwinked and deserve whatever kick in the ass they give you.
  • Sarah Palin is a mendacious idiot. But crafty at taking advantage of other idiots, I must say.
  • If you vote Democrat and expect them to be anything more than ‘Republican Lite’ these days, you’re in for a lot of disappointments. FDR’s been dead a long time. BHO is a good man but ain’t no Roosevelt.
  • I know a gay white man who hates all black people. Just goes to show you there’s no unity between groups which suffer discrimination.
  • Think climate change is a hoax? You’re wrong and on behalf of my children I want to say fuck you for making it that much harder for them.
  • You want a hoax? Trickle down economics.
  • “Two and a Half Men” is terrible dreck. Read a book.
  • Nepotism sucks, especially when it imbues the untalented with wealth and success. I’m talking to you Charlie Sheen, Colin Hanks, Donny Trump, Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow and many others too infuriating to mention.
  • Would it kill you to shut up during the movie?
  • Please don’t try to tell me who God is. You have no idea and neither do I.
  • If you are lucky enough to get away with something you shouldn’t, please don’t tell me about it. You know who you are.
  • Fat? Exercise and watch what you eat. Every day. Don’t give up.
  • Smoking. I don’t smoke, but it’s none of my business if you want to open a joint that caters to smokers. I won’t patronize it, but knock yourself out.
  • Want to ride a motorcycle without a helmet? Fine, just make sure you have proof of insurance so I don’t have to pay to reattach your limbs after you eat asphalt.
  • That said, people who are against universal healthcare should never proclaim to follow the teachings of Jesus, unless they are cool with being openly hypocritical.
  • If you get your history from “Glenn Beck U” then perhaps you deserve it when history repeats itself all over your ass a few years from now.
  • Would it kill you to be nice to people?
  • Would it kill you to keep your swearing to a minimum in public?
  • Would it kill you to wear some actual shoes at the supermarket?
  • Removing heavy back hair is just the decent thing to do prior to your attendance of a public pool or at the beach. Ladies, you too.
  • After a red light turns green, you should wait about two seconds and look both ways to avoid the jackass who will inevitably run the red light that kills or maims you or someone you love.
  • If you have a blood relative who is trying to do what he/she thinks is right by running for office and you openly crap all over him/her because he’s not in the same Party as you, then you’re a jerk. You should keep your mouth shut, not actively attack him/her. Unless you’re a jerk, then go ahead and slam him/her to everyone you know. (Maybe you’re actually just jealous that him/her has the guts to try, and you never did. I dunno.)
  • That guy playing music at the bar, the one working for tips? If he can’t have your full attention surely he could have a dollar or two in his tip jar from you.
  • A man who pleases his wife first is a great guy. A woman who occasionally returns the favor is rare in my experience.
  • People who make lists like this are often self-important jerks. (Myself excluded, of course.)

I’m No Longer Arguing That With Him: I Quit

July 14th, 2010

If you’ve had the fortitude to stick with this blog since my first post (I’m Not Arguing That With You) you may recall I was miserable with my pathetic career choices and fantasized about changing my life…essentially getting my groove back:

But holy crap it would be so nice to just walk in and…

Well, I finally did it.

I decided to start my own business. My wife was with me 100 percent. Sure, the economy sucks ass (thanks Mr. Bush and friends) but she believes in me. (She was also probably categorically sick of my bellyaching and wanted me to get my groove back, too.)

So,  for several months I planned my work and worked my plan…I ate my daily quota of shit, avoided mirrors (who needed the pitying look one gets from one’s self?) and quietly laid the ground work for my daring daylight escape.

The day finally came when I was ready. The new business incorporated, bank account open with a whopping $100, business cards printed. I even had some customers.

One task remained; one I both relished and feared.

I walked in to Mr. Waturi’s crappy little office, looked him in his piggy little eyes and told him effective immediately I was outta there.

“This life, what a joke. This situation… this room….you look like a bag of shit stuffed in a cheap suit.”

Okay, actually I didn’t say that. Instead I said thanks for a great opportunity, but I just wanted to try to do my own thing.

His mouth moved like that of a goldfish in a bowl, but no sound issued. His piggy eyes widened.

After what seemed an eternity he (and I am paraphrasing because he actually stammered around for twenty minutes–going through all the phases of grief) said:

“Please stay.” (He was stuck on the bargaining phase, I guess.)

I was totally blown away, and for a moment I indulged him in his promises to make things more tolerable; his hints at greater things to come if only I would give up another humiliating year or two of my career. If only I would let him feast on the rich moist center of my career meatloaf until all that was left was sawdust and ketchup.

But I did not waver.  Instead I agreed to stay on a few months to help ease the transition. (And earn a tidy nest egg for the business to boot).

That transition has now ended and I’m happily working away at my business. Now it’s up to me to make my own dreams come true. No more fantasizing about easy ways out, either.

I have to say…it did feel good to say farewell to Mr. Waturi. I’m no longer arguing that with him. Sure, I have a totally new set of fears to conquer, but at least I’m longer waiting for my real life to begin.

I gotta get my groove back.

Step one: Take back my career.

Status: Achieved.

The dumb ass.

“Heartless” GOP Punishing the Unemployed

July 5th, 2010

Excerpted from an Op-ed by economist Paul Krugman. He could not be more right:

Today, American workers face the worst job market since the Great Depression, with five job seekers for every job opening, with the average spell of unemployment now at 35 weeks. Yet the Senate went home for the holiday weekend without extending benefits. How was that possible?

The answer is that we’re facing a coalition of the heartless, the clueless and the confused. Nothing can be done about the first group, and probably not much about the second. But maybe it’s possible to clear up some of the confusion.

By the heartless, I mean Republicans who have made the cynical calculation that blocking anything President Obama tries to do — including, or perhaps especially, anything that might alleviate the nation’s economic pain — improves their chances in the midterm elections. Don’t pretend to be shocked: you know they’re out there, and make up a large share of the G.O.P. caucus.

By the clueless I mean people like Sharron Angle, the Republican candidate for senator from Nevada, who has repeatedly insisted that the unemployed are deliberately choosing to stay jobless, so that they can keep collecting benefits. A sample remark: “You can make more money on unemployment than you can going down and getting one of those jobs that is an honest job but it doesn’t pay as much. We’ve put in so much entitlement into our government that we really have spoiled our citizenry.”

Now, I don’t have the impression that unemployed Americans are spoiled; desperate seems more like it. One doubts, however, that any amount of evidence could change Ms. Angle’s view of the world — and there are, unfortunately, a lot of people in our political class just like her.

via Op-Ed Columnist – Punishing the Unemployed –

Has Toyota Lost Its Way?

June 22nd, 2010

Fascinating…I’d say it has lost its way…read on…

In spring of 2008, with the distant rumbling of financial crisis still far off, Toyota TM could be forgiven for complacency. It had just taken the title of world’s largest automaker from longtime rival General Motors MTLQQ. To most observers, this was no surprise. It had been clear for a decade that Toyota wanted to be No. 1, and that it could beat GM in just about every market, except full-size pickup trucks in the United States.

What a difference a year makes. Toyota is now reeling after historic financial losses, a change of leadership at the top, several lawsuits, and a string of recalls. These culminated last week in the humiliating announcement that the firm whose stated goal is perfection would need to service 3.8 million vehicles due to a poorly designed and potentially deadly flaw in a floor mat. This is a company that operated according to the almost mythically-revered Toyota Way, a set of management principles intended to inspire continuous improvement. But the Toyota Way is at the root of Toyota’s current woes: Perfectionism is great when you’re on the way up and your main rival is extremely imperfect. But once you’re there, staying flawless can become an ordeal, as CEO Akio Toyoda as much as admitted last week.

Toyota became No. 1 because it made cars that didn’t have to be distinctive. Instead, they fulfilled customer needs better than the competition. This was the result of Toyota Way, along with the much-envied Toyota Production System. Toyota became a contender for the top spot in the early 2000s, when it began to threaten then-No. 2 Ford F. During the ’00s, this wasn’t lost on GM. Inside the company’s headquarters at the Renaissance Center in Detroit, there were times when it seemed as if the colossus of American manufacturing had Toyota on the brain. Toyota could do small cars; it could do family sedans; it could do SUVs. And with the arrival of the Prius in 2001, it proved it could do the future. The Japanese carmaker wasn’t just capable of building better cars than GM—it was also prepared to mercilessly out-innovate No. 1.

via Has Toyota Lost Its Way? | The Big Money.

Oil Spill Response: ‘Army Of Temp Workers’ Bused To Grand Isle For Obama Appearance Leave Soon Afterward

May 29th, 2010



President Barack Obama made a trip to Grand Isle, Louisiana to discuss the measures being taken to bring some form of relief to the region and the actions being taken to both stem the Deepwater Horizon oil spill and prevent future calamities from happening. Over at Yahoo’s Newsroom, Brett Michael Dykes reports that for the occasion, Grand Isle was “invaded by an army of temp workers to spruce it up for the president and the national news crews following in his wake.”

How temporary were these workers? As it turns out, pretty damn temporary!

Chris Roberts, a Jefferson Parish councilman whose district encompasses Grand Isle, told Yahoo! News that BP had bused in “hundreds” of temporary workers to work on the cleanup of local beaches. And as soon as the president was en route back to Washington, the workers were clearing out of Grand Isle, as well.
“The level of cleanup and cooperation we’ve gotten from BP in the past is in no way consistent to the effort shown on the island today,” Roberts said by telephone. “As soon as the president left, they were immediately put back on the buses and sent home.”


Oil Spill Response: ‘Army Of Temp Workers’ Bused To Grand Isle For Obama Appearance Leave Soon Afterward.

Bald-Faced Groove

May 25th, 2010

Getting my groove back is still the mission, and it’s one day at a time. Incremental moves getting me closer to that groove I miss so much are important.

One of those moves is to take stock of what’s going right for me, which is why I’m glad I still have hair.

Call me shallow, but I just think it would be tough for me to get the groove back if it all fell out.

Sure, Patrick Stewart, Bruce Willis and a host of others make that look work. Me, not so much. I think I’d look like Uncle Fester on a bad day; and the people who make hair paste would suffer a serious decline in their stock price.

So: I’m not fat, I have most of my marbles, no sign of old man smell and most of my hair is on my head. Not too bad.

On with the groove.

Nice Try, Bristol. Thanks for Playing

April 7th, 2010

This spot just hits all the wrong notes, no?

As says:

Apparently you should keep your legs crossed (Candie’s Foundation’s preferred method of birth control) if you’re poor, don’t have family support, or are not a celebrity. What a despicable, classist approach.

I don’t think anybody needs to be lectured by her or anyone else about abstinence. They just need to be informed about what sex really means and proper birth control.

My daughter will be informed–and not when she’s 18 or on her wedding night–about sex.  She will understand when she hits her teens just what sex, pregnancy and birth control are all about. Of course I don’t want her to get emotionally or physically hurt by engaging in meaningless sexual encounters. What I do want is for  her to view her sexuality as a positive aspect of her adulthood.

She’ll learn that from her mother and me–not from lectures delivered by the spoiled child of a failed politician.

Pause before you play.

Nice try, Bristol. Thanks for playing.

I Know, I Know

February 3rd, 2010

I know. I know.

I’ve been very sporadic lately–mostly because I think I am on the verge of getting my groove back. Stay tuned please. Really.

For more updated material, you can still find me on Twitter: @simonsgroove

But I will return. Promise. Stick with me, as I have much to tell.