Posts Tagged ‘daddyblogger’

The Terrible Twos

January 8th, 2011

Not my kid, but close enough. (Credit: Parents.com)

I’d formally like to apologize to all parents who I (when single or as a childless married) once unkindly derided as they bemoaned the horrors of the “Terrible Twos.” I was wrong. I knew not of what I snarked.

Karma is now kicking my ass. Besides being worn out from our daily lives of work, getting through the holidays and keeping house, Mrs. Simon and I haven’t seen each other naked since Halloween–and that was by accident. Sadly, I think we both looked away as if we had just accidentally seen a stranger at the changing room at Macy’s.

Simon Says: this part of parenting is a real drag. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go scoop up a puddle of toddler from the kitchen floor–she’s upset because she got the wrong color of “Froot Roll-Up.”

A Public Service Message from the Republican Party

September 17th, 2010

Simon Says

July 18th, 2010

  • Hot dogs: any combination of mustard, relish, onions, chili and cheese. Never ketchup or avocado or any other cute bullshit.
  • If you sign up for a website that publishes your attempts at fiction, you cannot post a new first draft every five fucking minutes and expect me to ooh and ahh over it like you’re bloody Shakespeare.
  • Learn to spell or use your damn spell check while you’re at it.
  • Hey, if there’s a red light 500 yards ahead, why the hell are you racing to get ahead of me only to stop at the freaking light? You know what kind of gas mileage you get at a stoplight? ZERO.
  • If you drive a Hummer, massive pickup or some other large vehicle and you are not in the infantry, a farmer, a landscaper or someone who otherwise requires a large “fuck you” vehicle: I say you deserve to pay a big tax–and not just at the gas pump. You get a dumb-ass tax, to be exact. And everyone else gets the right to give you the finger.
  • If you watch “professional wrestling” don’t whine to me that your kids are ill-behaved, poorly-read and prone to broken bones.
  • If you vote Republican and make less than $500,000 per year, you’re a dumb ass. Why? Because they don’t give a shit about you unless you have money. And if you vote Republican because you think they are morally superior then you have been fully hoodwinked and deserve whatever kick in the ass they give you.
  • Sarah Palin is a mendacious idiot. But crafty at taking advantage of other idiots, I must say.
  • If you vote Democrat and expect them to be anything more than ‘Republican Lite’ these days, you’re in for a lot of disappointments. FDR’s been dead a long time. BHO is a good man but ain’t no Roosevelt.
  • I know a gay white man who hates all black people. Just goes to show you there’s no unity between groups which suffer discrimination.
  • Think climate change is a hoax? You’re wrong and on behalf of my children I want to say fuck you for making it that much harder for them.
  • You want a hoax? Trickle down economics.
  • “Two and a Half Men” is terrible dreck. Read a book.
  • Nepotism sucks, especially when it imbues the untalented with wealth and success. I’m talking to you Charlie Sheen, Colin Hanks, Donny Trump, Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow and many others too infuriating to mention.
  • Would it kill you to shut up during the movie?
  • Please don’t try to tell me who God is. You have no idea and neither do I.
  • If you are lucky enough to get away with something you shouldn’t, please don’t tell me about it. You know who you are.
  • Fat? Exercise and watch what you eat. Every day. Don’t give up.
  • Smoking. I don’t smoke, but it’s none of my business if you want to open a joint that caters to smokers. I won’t patronize it, but knock yourself out.
  • Want to ride a motorcycle without a helmet? Fine, just make sure you have proof of insurance so I don’t have to pay to reattach your limbs after you eat asphalt.
  • That said, people who are against universal healthcare should never proclaim to follow the teachings of Jesus, unless they are cool with being openly hypocritical.
  • If you get your history from “Glenn Beck U” then perhaps you deserve it when history repeats itself all over your ass a few years from now.
  • Would it kill you to be nice to people?
  • Would it kill you to keep your swearing to a minimum in public?
  • Would it kill you to wear some actual shoes at the supermarket?
  • Removing heavy back hair is just the decent thing to do prior to your attendance of a public pool or at the beach. Ladies, you too.
  • After a red light turns green, you should wait about two seconds and look both ways to avoid the jackass who will inevitably run the red light that kills or maims you or someone you love.
  • If you have a blood relative who is trying to do what he/she thinks is right by running for office and you openly crap all over him/her because he’s not in the same Party as you, then you’re a jerk. You should keep your mouth shut, not actively attack him/her. Unless you’re a jerk, then go ahead and slam him/her to everyone you know. (Maybe you’re actually just jealous that him/her has the guts to try, and you never did. I dunno.)
  • That guy playing music at the bar, the one working for tips? If he can’t have your full attention surely he could have a dollar or two in his tip jar from you.
  • A man who pleases his wife first is a great guy. A woman who occasionally returns the favor is rare in my experience.
  • People who make lists like this are often self-important jerks. (Myself excluded, of course.)

The Playground Bully

November 14th, 2009

Excerpt:

But instead of crying and getting upset, my little girl would just give him the look you would give a dysfunctional lunatic, she’s good at that one, and would turn around and go a different direction. She didn’t quite understand what was happening or why this turd… I mean germ… AHEM… boy was being mean and not letting her play. But she wasn’t going to let it ruin her fun time. She is apparently older and wiser than her mother and has more control over her emotions. That or she’s just biding her time. Not sure which. I guess I’ll find out later when she’s a teenager.

via Mommy’s Joy » The Playground Bully.

Fatherly Observation #117

November 6th, 2009

The “Terrible Twos” apparently can begin at 13 months. (Pops Tylenol)